Juniper's Birth Story
Today Juniper is 4 months old. After failed promises of launching this blog I have finally done it. My first and probably only lengthy post will be of Juniper's birth. A lot of it I have forgotten so here are a few details of that nutso-crazy day.
So there were a ton of things I didn't know that would happen pre-birth. The things that prepare you for the delivery. I chose not to read too much into it because I was advised to watch a birth video and it freaked me out so I was already so afraid of the actual birth so I decided I'd just go with it. Our midwife had suggested early on for us to look into hypnobirthing and I didn't do it until like 2 days before our labor began and I learned 1 breathing technique that saved my life.
Nov 7th - early morning Jace and I were hanging out in our kitchen laughing and joking around and then i felt like i peed myself (it had been too common so I didn't think much of it). I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and there it was. The mucus plug. Although, I had no idea what it was so I was instantly freaked out. I texted my midwife and sisters (sisters are like our very own doctors, right?) and was like this happened, like what is going on? Am I having a miscarriage? My midwife texted back and was like oh it's just your mucus plug. Your body is preparing for labor. A few min later my sisters were like, you're going to be having your baby like real soon. One was like like within 24 hours. I later googled "mucus plug" because I wanted more info (thank you whattoexpect.com). Jace had left to go on a hike and I mentioned we could be having a baby real soon because and he was a little freaked. It was gettin' real!!!
Come that evening, I started feeling small contractions. They didn't feel like much. I told my mom that she should probably get ready because this baby would come soon, (I was thinking a couple days). We both tried going to bed that night but we were restless and nervous/excited, like everything. We finally fell asleep around 1 in the morning.
Nov 8 - 2:10 am. I wake up and I'm like, what the hell is going on?! My guts hurts so bad! It was like PMS cramps x100000000000. I woke Jace and was like I think we need to start timing these things. 20 min apart. I call my mom and tell her she probably needs to come down ASAP. The contractions stayed pretty consistent and we tried to get some z's in-between them. Come 4:30 am, we decide to walk to Jace's parents house (they lived a street over and we had decided to birth the baby at their house). The bed was ready for us as we had mentioned to Jace's mom what had happened the day before and she knew the baby would be arriving real quick. We were at Jace's parents timing and trying so hard to sleep. It's insane how you can be in so much pain and then all of a sudden pass out for like 5 min and then be in pain againl. My mom arrived at about noon and I was so happy and relieved to see her face. She talked to me, kept my mind distracted from the pain. Jace's mom was so sweet and brought us delicious snacks and grape juice (I love grape juice) and would check on us every so often.
The rest is kind of boring as the contractions varied going from 12-6 min on and off for a long long time. It really sucked. I was finally told to get out of bed and walk around so the contractions would progress. I didn't want to because they were so painful but eventually did. I walked around outside and the contractions progressed. They were way more painful and I wanted it to end so quick (this was about 4 PM). I cried like a baby so much every time a contraction would hit and when they stopped I felt so good and as if nothing was happening. The contractions were 5 min apart when I was just standing and when I was walking they were about 2 min apart so I tried to keep walking but I was so tired and weak and wasn't progressing and it was such a letdown. I was so convinced that I could do this just a little while longer and she would be coming in an hour. Little did I know the pain wasn't strong enough and the contractions would slow down again. *Side Note* Jace was amazing the entire time. When he would leave to grab a drink or anything I felt my world was crumbling and I would force tears back. He kept me so strong. I grew to love him a thousand more times.
My midwife arrived about 6:00ish. She was the cherry on top to just who I needed to be there. She had me continue to walk around and through all the crazy noise in my head, her sweet, soft voice kept me calm. She would talk me through the contractions and I had to really concentrate on her voice so I could keep calm. She asked Jace to put some music on to help out so he played explosions in the sky and instantly I was like no, I cannot hear this. Haha. It was too much for my brain so I asked Jace to play Sigur Ros instead (also, at a Sigur Ros concert my heart told me I was in love with Jace). It made a big difference. He asked if he should fill the pool and she said no so we just sat through some more contractions (who I say sat it sounds so mellow, I was literally screaming every second of a contraction).
After a few hours she asked me if I wanted to sit in the shower and let some water fall on my back to help with the pain. And I was like yes! Shower, drugs like give me anything to help the pain. I got in the shower. I don't even think I removed my top. I just didn't care about anything. Feeling the warm shower temps hit my lower back felt so amazing. I cried to Jace so many times just telling him I didn't want to do "this". It was so hard you guys. I just wanted it to be over. Jace would tell me over and over that I could and I felt like he would speak to my heart. I've never felt us communicate so well with so little words. I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep forever but those contractions were painful. I finally got out of the shower and was allowed to go into the pool. SO MUCH RELIEF! It felt so much better to get in there. I can't remember exactly how long we were in there but the contractions were hell. I was embarrassed that I was screaming so much. I tried hard focusing on my hypno breathing. My midwife continued to be a saint. Still through all the loud noise in my head and still through all my screaming her soft tender voice guided me to the center where I could find my strength. Jace eventually came into the pool because I kept falling asleep and could no longer hold myself upright. Contraction after contraction, tears and tears. I could see my mom and Jace's mom at the corner of my eyes and they had tears. They could do nothing but watch and wait with me and I needed them there. Jace's mom stepped out a few times and I remember thinking please don't leave but never felt the courage to tell her because I didn't want to sound like a baby. If my mom would have stepped out I would have lost myself. Haha. I just needed these people there.
I finally asked my midwife if she would check how dilated I was and she did... and it hurt like hell! It was so uncomfortable and painful and I wished I hadn't asked her to do that. Haha. She told me we were dilated to an 8 and that my water wasn't broken and that she would need to break it in order for my labor to go any further. I was scared. I thought it would hurt but it was quick and easy... and then it was time to push. I didn't want to but I knew I needed to. Jace was sitting behind me, the contractions would hit and I would lean way back and my mom would tell me to push and my midwife would tell me to focus my energy down toward the baby. Jace's mom would tell me to keep my chin down to help with the energy flow. This last bit was mostly a blur. I was in the pool for 45 min. I don't remember how many times I actually pushed but I pushed and cried and felt like I gave up and gained strength again like 100 times. I just didn't even care that there was a baby that needed to come out I just wanted the pain to stop so I pushed. I used all my strength to push and listened to what everyone was saying because i knew it would help stop the pain. My midwife had me feel the top of her head. It was full of hair. I was so close. She was on her way out. What a relief. We would soon be seeing her! I wondered 100 times what she would look like in those few minutes. I thought only a couple more minutes and the pain is over and I can sleep! I tried pushing when there was no contractions and nothing would happen (dumb me). I made another push but it wasn't big enough and then what I thought was a bigger push that would get her out, but only her head was partially out, that was the MOST pain I have ever felt in my life. I wanted to badly to push and scream which I did, I screamed so much and would not stop pushing even though it wasn't the right time. I was just ready for it to end. I told my midwife I just couldn't, I balled so much. I don't think I've cried so much in a single day (except for when sweet Shai passed away). I talked myself into doing on huge big push, using every inch of my strength. My midwife told me to stop and I freaked out, I saw a little bit of blood but I just couldn't stop she was coming... Junipers hand was right up by her face as she was coming out. It was so painful! I literally wondered if human torture was as painful as giving birth because nothing I have ever felt compared to the pain.
All the terrible thoughts disappeared when I saw that tiny pale get swung onto my chest. She was tiny, she was gross looking but she was so cute. She was so hairy! Haha. I remember just looking at her little butt and thinking oh my gosh, no one in this world has a cuter harrier butt. She's perfect! I know people say they feel instant love, and I'll be honest I didn't. But I knew that all that pain was worth it because this tiny monkey was mine and I had never in my life felt like my arms had been so empty for so long and all of a sudden something that belonged there was right where it needed to be. I knew Jace was behind me crying. I could hear his little sniffles. I don't remember at what point Juniper cried but it was so cute (and then it wasn't stopping and that was scary because life was about to get real).